Let's Never Speak of This Again
by Ravenietta
Summary: Most massive understatement of the year: they're crazy.
1. Let's Get Started

_ Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. _

&R&

It was rather a shame, Pidge thought, that she'd crashed the car.

It had already been in bad shape. Riddled with holes, covered with crater-sized dents, and crusted over with black mud, with a branch the size of a baseball bat impaling the trunk like a knife through soft cheese. Pidge wasn't any mechanic, but even she could tell the car was standing on its last legs…er, tires.

But getting lost in the Forbidden Forest didn't leave you a lot of options for traveling safely and quickly. Pidge was an expert on the subject herself, having read_ all_ the Harry Potter books.

Yeah, she knew where she was. It honestly wasn't hard to figure out, given the centaurs and Gawp and that tree with the haphazardly carved letters spelling 'Voldemort wuz here' and the smears of silver stuff that looked suspiciously like unicorn blood nearby. Pidge was, by nature, an extremely logical person. So she logically examined the situation, and when she was done, started cussing Retta out.

Retta was the whole reason she was in this mess. Sure, she was ecstatic to really visit _Hogwarts_, for God's sake, but there didn't really appear to be any easy way back home.

Pidge closed her eyes while she looked over the past few minutes again.

"_Happy birthday, Pidge!" Everyone yelled at a safe distance away. After all, the six Monsters her friends had cautiously given her for the celebration were already down Pidge's throat, and she could feel the wonderful incoming insanity, like a train crash. Ah._

_She frowned. Where was that dirtball Retta? Didn't she remember it was her birthday?_

_Speak of the devil…Retta sashayed up to the table they'd claimed in the cafeteria for the party before homeroom. She was grinning wildly, and Pidge could tell all hell was about to break loose._

"_Guess what day it is," she chirped annoyingly, drawing the vowels out far longer than necessary._

_Pidge didn't feel like answering. Instead, she leaned back to fully savor the sugar flowing through her veins._

_Retta, annoyed, decided to channel her inner drama queen at the prospect of being ignored. She didn't like being ignored. "Pidge…" she whined._

_Pidge sighed. "I know what day it is. Like I'd forget my own birthday. You don't give me enough credit, you really don't."_

_Retta was about to respond when she noticed the pleased expression on her friend's face and a pile of Monster cans drained to the last drop scattered on the table._

"_You know," she said, gulping, "I'll make this quick. Well, I didn't get you a Monster-" "Aw." "-but I got you something better."_

"_What?" Pidge asked, bored. What could compare to a Monster?_

_Retta hauled her book bag onto the table top and fished out various items: her mp3 player, a Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix book, a peanut butter sandwich, and a black cat._

_Puzzled, Pidge leaned forward. "What is all that crap?"_

"_This crap-" Retta grunted with the effort of restraining her cat, "-bad cat, bad cat, Winkie! This crap, as you so narrow-mindedly call it, is your birthday surprise!"_

_Uh oh, she had thought. Pidge probably should have quit at the word surprise. But curiosity was too powerful a motive._

_Retta continued. "So, I was dabbling into a bit of black magic-"_

"_Okay, I can already see where this is going," Pidge sighed. "No. Just no."_

"_Would you let me finish a sentence?" Retta scrunched up her nose as she glared at Pidge a little, still distracted with her psycho cat. It was mewling frantically, scrambling to run away. Pidge really couldn't blame it. "So, I was reading online about magic spells…" _

_Retta then proceeded to tell Pidge about her entire search for the best birthday gift, her valiant quest through cyberspace to find the perfect spell for her. Pidge thought it a bit overdramatic, and was also a little disturbed that you could find black magic on the Internet. That meant she was also tuning out when Retta started setting up the necessary tools for the spell and explained about what it actually did. Pidge hoped it wasn't important._

"_Yeah, yeah, we only have a few minutes before homeroom, hurry it up, would you?"_

"_Fine," Retta said, disgruntled. "You're the birthday girl."_

_She took the Harry Potter book out, and flipped to a random paragraph on page 333. Retta removed the sandwich from its bag, and a plastic knife as well. Placing it in the center of the table, she motioned a friend, Briana, over and handed the knife to her. _

"_What exactly am I supposed to do with this?" she asked, her interest piqued. "And what's the cat for?"_

"_Okay, all you have to do is cut the sandwich into the Deathly Hallows shape, alright? You know, with the triangle and the stick and the stone. You have to do it while I'm reading this paragraph and while Pidge holds the cat. It's for Pidge's birthday."_

"_What? Why do I have to hold a cat? And what's the sandwich for?" Pidge questioned._

_Retta sighed, clearly bothered by all these annoying insignificant questions. "You hold the cat to channel the magic going through her, into you, because Winkie's my familiar. And that's a sacrificial sandwich. It has to die."_

"_It's not alive."_

"_Not important. Let's get started…here's Winkie, Pidge, hold her tight, that's good. No, don't cut off her air circulation, she needs to be alive during the rite. Ready? Great."_

_They must have looked strange: Retta, standing solemnly like a preacher, with the book. Briana, carving death symbols into a sandwich oozing peanut butter all over the place. And Pidge, holding the hissing cat as far away from her as possible, wondering if this torture would ever end._

_It was a few seconds later, when Retta's eyes started glowing and her own hair stood on end, that she started to question Retta's methods. _

_Yelling above the eerie cackling in the background, she said, "Where did you get that spell?"_

"_Why, Wikipedia of course," Retta replied innocently, her luminous eyes still focused on some imaginary point ahead of her. Pidge could've sworn she saw a malicious grin on her friend's face. Scratch that, it was definitely there._

_And then Pidge popped out of existence._

And so here she was, surveying the wreckage before her with apathy. She'd panicked in the woods, racing around in confusion while simultaneously noting the similarities between this world and the one she had once read about with much excitement.

When Pidge had come up with enough evidence, something clicked. Halting in a dark grove of trees, she made the connection rapidly and for a moment stared around in slack-jawed shock. _Am I…? Is this…? __Okay, this is pretty freakin' awesome_, she had to admit to herself. _But I'm never telling Retta that. She's already got an ego the size of the Grand Canyon. _

Calming down slightly, Pidge had glanced around. Great. Just great. All that surrounded her was tree after tree after tree, the same jaded green for as far as she could see. It was about early afternoon as well, a time difference of a few hours, judging by the sunlight shimmering through the branches above. And now she was lost. Wonderful.

The blessing had come on four wheels. The car had showed up, ambling along a crude path snorting gas fumes like a wild animal. Pidge supposed that by now, it was. Of course, it was still a car, and due to…past experiences, Pidge knew how to hotwire a car. The only problem was using it, since she didn't even know to drive.

Pidge had decided there was no time like the present to learn.

…Which had probably lead to the smoking heap of scrap metal it became, when Pidge crashed it into a low stone fence, after barreling out of the trees at a dangerous speed. Hagrid's hut was in the distance, about seventy five yards away, and Hogwarts was easily visible in all its magnificence.

"Huh," she said thoughtfully, sprawled on the ground from throwing herself out of the car at the last possible minute. "This could be interesting."

With that, Pidge grinned mischievously. "Retta…I don't know whether to strangle you or hug you…"

&R&

_Dearest Pidge,_

_Did you like it? It's gonna go on-it's your very own multi-chapter fic, and you can PM me to tell me want kind of havoc you want to wreak next. I have a few other plans, but you get to decide the main crap that happens. I'll probably update once a month or so. Happy 15__th__ birthday…_

_For all of you who don't know: Pidge's birthday is today, and to celebrate, I have decided to write her her very own multi-chaptered fic, involving her, me, and a few other guests. So yes, the Pidge in the story is real, as is Retta, because she's…uh…me. Briana's here too! Wish Pidge a happy birthday on her real Fanfiction account: she goes as TCML1. PM the crap out of her! It annoys her! I'll warn you, there might be a few inside jokes. Like Monster, for instance. A warning: DON'T EVER LET PIDGE NEAR MONSTER. I really advertise you out there, Pidge._

_One last note to Pidge: well, you only turn fifteen once. Might as well make it something special, don't ya think? Talk to you later. _

_Love and hate for breaking my poor unsuspecting pencils,_

_~Retta_


	2. Let's Go Insane

_ Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Yet._

_ Pidge: Here's your freakin' chapter!_

&R&

Pidge started staggering towards the castle, still a bit disoriented from throwing herself from the car. Luckily, she wasn't bleeding. Heavily.

_ Hello? Hello? Anyone? _A voice whispered, ringing through her head like a rock through a car window. Not that she knew what that sounded like, of course. Pidge shrieked, jumping a foot or two, then swore when she fell on her butt for the second time in five minutes. "What the-?"

_Shut up! You look stupid! Oh wait, never mind. Please continue._

"Is this…is this Retta?"

_ No, it's her cat. Who else would it be?_

"Sarcasm is not appreciated right now. What the hell did you do?"

_ I don't usually answer stupid questions, but since it's your birthday…_

"Shut up and get to the point."

_Knew you weren't listening. Figures. I'm so very unappreciated…_

"And whiny."

_And whi…no! No I'm not!_

"Hey, you said it."

_Urg. Well, I basically handed you an inter-dimensional ticket. You're welcome._

"You mean…you sent me to the world of Harry Potter with black magic? You entrusted my life to an unreliable source like Wikipedia? Are you trying to kill me?"

_You're so narrow-minded. Wikipedia is…getting better…_

"Bullcrap.

_ And yes, trying to kill you is rather high on my agenda. But I swear, I was just trying to get you a good present. It's certainly unique, isn't it?_

"Fix it. Now."

_ Well, the spell won't wear off for a couple weeks, and there's not much I can do about that…besides, I thought you liked Harry Potter?_

"I stalk everything about Harry Potter. It's my _life_. However, that doesn't mean I wanna explain to my mom where exactly I vacationed for two weeks."

_You think I didn't think of that?_

"You're blonde."

_ What's that supposed to mean?_

"Fine. You're just naturally stupid."

_ …You don't have to worry about the time. Time travels much slower in this world where we came from. By the time we get back, it'll be literally thirty seconds after we left._

"…We?"

_Oh, you thought we'd let you have all the fun? No way. This spell took me three weeks to fully prepare. We're all going._

"…Who's we?"

_Um, let's see. Me, of course. Rae, Briana, Mary, Katie…I think that's all. Oh, and Winkie! Don't worry, we won't crowd you all the time! There's plenty of room for mischief at Hogwarts. In fact, we can already see that you blew up a car. Impressive!_

"How do you know that?"

_Oh, I turned my mp3 player into a magical sort of screening device. We can see everything you do, and that's how I hear you._

"So how do I hear you?"

_ …You don't want to know._

"I do, in fact."

_Well, I'm not telling you anyway._

"Crap."

_ Well, you don't have a soul, so it's not like it affected you._

"Good to know."

Pidge peered around in the murky afternoon haze, Hagrid's hut only a hundred feet away or so. The sky had darkened considerably since the beginning of this conversation and she could tell it was starting to fade into storm clouds. "You guys better get here quick. It's gonna rain."

_Yeah, yeah, we're coming. Okay, let's see…chocolate bars, check. Cellphone, checkity check check. Jacket…checkaroo. _

"Done yet?"

_Jeez, sorry. It's just you can't pack heavy on this kinda stuff. I'm trying to get the bare essentials._

"Can you even use a cellphone in another dimension?"

_ You'd be surprised. We're on our way. Okay…and, here we go-_

With an astonishing_ bang_, a pile appeared in front of Pidge, twisting and squirming with…human legs and arms?

Retta stood up first, catching hold of rationality fastest. Looking around, she inspected the landscape like her own painting, and said offhandedly, "Huh. That went better than I thought it would go."

"You sent me into the Forbidden Forest," Pidge said dryly.

"Oh! There you are!" Retta, turning to Pidge, exclaimed with no surprise. Dusting off her jeans, she went on. "Sorry about that. Miscalculation."

"You're lucky I don't kill you."

She scoffed. "You can't. I'm your connection to our world, back home. I have some degree of control over every single part of this environment."

"Speak English."

Retta sighed. "I can do stuff here, telepathically, just using my creativity and brainpower. It's like I can manipulate this world to fit us, for the most part. There's some stuff I can't do. J. K. Rowling is the one that has complete power over everything. Got it?"

"I think so. You're like a black magic expert, then?"

A disturbing smile settled on Retta's face. "You could say that."

Behind them, two bodies stirred, not having survived the battle for consciousness during the trip. Briana yawned and peeled herself from the ground. Rae groaned beneath her. A cat yowled and scampered off into the forest, black fur sticking up from the unorthodox method of travel and fright. It disappeared between two lilac bushes, hissing with displeasure.

"Um, aren't you concerned about your cat?" Pidge asked hesitantly. She really hated the thing, but if it was Retta's familiar…whatever that was…

"Oh, you're sweet to worry," she replied cheerfully. "But it's okay. Everyone will go back at the right time, you'll see."

"Where's Katie and Mary?" Pidge asked, turning and looking around as if they were there as well.

"They aren't here yet. I can only take so many people at a time, so I set a spell to have them arrive here in a little bit. Let's greet them inside, because I don't wanna get rained on. They should be here right after that." With that, Retta helped up a moaning Rae, nearly collapsing when Rae decided to lean on her with _all_ her weight. Stumbling, she and Rae began to hobble towards the castle.

Not hearing footsteps, Retta glanced back, which was difficult with Rae practically still unconscious and dropping on her like a sack of potatoes. "Well, you coming?"

&R&

_There._


	3. Let's Vandalize Private Property

_ Well, Pidge and Briana, are you happy now? I had to swear on Percy Jackson and the Olympians, The Heroes of Olympus, Young Justice, Teen Titans, Harry Potter, Batman, __and__ the Flash to write this chapter by today, or actually, tomorrow. Slavery, I tell you. I will extract revenge though the story, bwahahahahahahaha…haha…ha…evil laughing is tiring. Onward!_

&R&

The four girls marveled at the extravagance of the hall before them; it was elegant, but not snobbish. The ceiling was high, the windows arched in a gothic fashion, and though the storm clouds outside only cast charcoal gray light, the candles inside were brighter and drove away the cold.

Too bad they were still outside.

"How-uh-exactly do we get in? They probably-oof-have magic blaster cannons to turn us into pork chops or something," Rae said miserably, but in truth, her pessimism might have originated from being struck by lightning ten minutes earlier. It was a common fate for her, to die so often, but Pidge thought that Rae was thinking maybe that wouldn't happen in this realm. Those expectations were just too high.

"Cheer up, Rae! It's a wizard school; we just say we're wizards," Retta said with a smile. "Besides, if need be, I can…_convince_ them a little."

"I'm not happy with the idea of you having this kind of power over everything here," Briana said with a slightly queasy look. "You could be the next…_Voldemort_, or something."

"Don't be silly," Retta chastised, not facing down to look at Briana, but choosing instead to peek into the window some more. "That's Pidge's thing. I'm more of a Bellatrix girl myself."

That didn't seem to reassure anyone.

The lowest window on the castle was about fifteen feet off the rocky ground, so they were currently up in an unsteady ash tree, Retta clawing at the edge of the glass and trying to peer in. She was sitting on Rae's shoulders, and even with the added height, was struggling to see anything. The wind was getting close to dangerous.

Briana and Pidge were fifteen feet below, having assigned the grunt work of spying to the others, which Rae and Retta weren't happy about.

"Hurry up, would you? I wanna go inside," Pidge called upwards.

Grumbling, Retta responded with slicing sarcasm. "Gee, Pidge, I don't see _you _doing anything right now. Care to help?"

Pidge lazily grinned and replied, "But you're doing such a good job! Uh-oh, Rae, better straighten up, Retta's slipping."

"I don't care," Rae muttered. "Let her fall."

"Hey!"

After a few uncomfortable "Ow!"s and a "Get your boot out of my fac-_mmpf_! Bleh! Your shoe tastes awful," Rae and Retta scrambled clumsily down and out of the tree, staggering the last couple steps towards Briana and Pidge.

"Well, took you long enough," Pidge and Briana said in synchronization, even yawning at the same time. Rae and Retta looked murderous.

"Let's get inside," Briana eventually suggested. "It's gonna rain any minute."

They were relatively close to the large doors, which were practically glowing with magnificence. Walking over further, all the girls stepped back and examined the solid wall of wood. Humming, Retta stepped forward and started tracing a person-sized circle on it.

"What are you—oh." Where her fingers touched, the door melted away, like a drawing being erased by a pencil. Warmth rushed outside, fresh and smelling like bread and pot roast and hot buttered potatoes…Pidge tried not to think of her growling stomach, thinking it must be close to supper.

Retta stepped through, pulling Rae behind her, who seemed suspicious that a "magic blaster cannon or something" would hit her. So paranoid.

Grinning, Retta whirled to face the two others still outside and letting go of Rae's arm. "What did I tell you?"

"Okay, that was pretty…uh…weird," Briana commented.

Stepping forward, the two made a move to enter the castle. Giving each other conspiratorial evil looks, Rae and Retta stood possessively in front of the doorway.

"Password please," Rae said, snickering with that dirtball Retta.

"Seriously? You guys suck," Briana said, rolling her eyes.

"You made us risk our lives standing in a stupid tree while you provided snarky commentary," Retta shot back. "Sounds plenty reasonable to me. Rae, do you think we can let intruders in?"

"Nope."

"You're intruders as much as we are," Pidge exclaimed, exasperated. "Let us in."

They giggled. "No can do."

With that, Retta waved the missing door piece back into existence, and Briana and Pidge were staring at three inches of oak.

"I'm going to kill her in the most excruciating way possible," Pidge forced out through gritted teeth.

"Which one?"

"Both of them."

Both angry, the pair began searching for another way in the castle, swearing death and endless torture on Retta and Rae.

&R&

Groaning, Mary came into consciousness.

She was outside a small rustic cottage, with rough forest on one side and a gigantic castle on the other.

She was lying on top of Katie.

And a hippogriff was licking her glasses.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THIS TIME, PIDGE?"

&R&

_ Feel like killing me, Pidge? Well, I suppose it was gonna happen some day—wait, what am I talking about? It's already happened, or least you've gotten too close for comfort…Ah, well. :D Jason will show up soon, that little weasel! Anyway, that's for breaking my pencils and driving me insane asking for updates._

_Love and hate for…just about anything, actually,_

_ ~Retta_


	4. Let's Assault a Teacher

&R&

Pidge was convinced of her own genius.

She had actually found a lower window before, maybe seven feet off the ground, but instead Pidge had ignored it and pointed to a higher one, just itching to watch Retta fall out of a tree.

Oh, was that dirtball gonna get it when she got inside.

The panes had been cloudy with dirt and covered with heavy green velvet drapes from the inside, but Pidge and Briana didn't really care whose window they broke as long as they got inside. After all, these people were magic, and if anyone asked, they could always blame Rae and Retta. They were truly evil geniuses (who completely ignored those other stupid plural spellings)!

The glass was surprisingly vulnerable to non-magical breaking-and-entering, like the old classic trick of throwing a rock into it. Simple, but effective. God, wizards really needed to upgrade their protection spells—even a muggle security system was better than this.

"Hm." Pidge calmly examined the carnage she'd wreaked, nudging the last of the jagged glass out of the frame to make it possible to pass through. "Well, nothing a good clean-up spell won't fix."

Giggling, she and Briana slipped through the narrow window, and both landed solidly on the floor.

"Uh, it's dark in here," Briana complained. Both stumbled around, trying to avoid the glass shards littering the floor. The light from the broken window wasn't nearly enough for any kind of sight.

Probing around, Pidge found some sort of knob, up high and greasy with grime, she supposed. She attempted to wrench it upwards, like a light switch.

A bloodcurdling yelp split the air, and Pidge yanked her hand back, accidently tripping over Briana, who had jumped and fallen in surprise.

A soft glow filled the room abruptly, and Briana and Pidge squinted from the sudden light. Looking around and blinking, Pidge blearily noted the rusty cauldrons, shelves groaning under the weight of a billion ceramic jars of…things, the overall dimness, and depressing atmosphere of the room.

"Holy crap!" Briana said, excited. "We found the school morgue!"

"No, you fool," an exasperated voice drifted from the doorway. "It's the Potions room."

Looking back, Pidge saw Snape,_ the_ Professor Snape, his shoulders hunched with pain and his hand dripping blood from his nose, probably from when she'd tried to yank his nose like a light switch.

"What are students doing down here? Why aren't you up at the feast?" Snape said icily. Now that his shock was beginning to fade, Pidge could tell he was about to expel them, which was kinda funny when you thought about it. _Uh oh._

Briana got up, and Pidge could tell that she was about to ask a stupid question. _Oh well, we're screwed anyway._

"Oh my God, I knew it!" she said. "Of course you guys have a morgue. Where else to put all the dead bodies from all the various battles?"

"We don't have dea—"

"Well, of course you do! Whatever happened to Moaning Myrtle's body, silly?"

Snape looked at a lose for words. Finally, he found his voice. "This is ridiculous. I will deal with you two personally—"

Once again he was interrupted. Pidge, who had been stunned, now leapt to her feet.

"Yes! I've always wanted to meet you!" she exclaimed, pumping her fist. Running forward, she gave Snape a crushing hug, while Snape looked nauseated and utterly confused. "I stalk you! Not as much as Sirius, you see, but you're on the list!"

While Pidge fangirled, Briana kept asking stupid questions. "Why is your hair so greasy? Are you not a fan of conditioner? Does pumpkin juice have to be squeezed from real pumpkins? Are you a double agent? Or a triple agent? I can never keep track. Can you teach us the Unforgivable Curses, like, without wands? Better yet, can you get us wands?"

Finally, Snape exploded. Pushing Pidge away from him, he staggered and clutched his head. "First of all," he said acidly, "you will restrain from touching me, whether to hug me or break my nose. Second, you will stop asking me irritating questions, as this is my Potions room and that is_ all_ it is, regardless of the smell. Thirdly, I do not appreciate stalkers—"

A faint clopping sound came from up the stairs behind him. Snape turned, his black robes swishing and his angry face twisted and pale, just in time to get a load of…sled…?

"Wahoo! Let's do it again! Let's do it again!" Rae and Retta cheered, screaming like it was a roller coaster ride. Both shakily stood up, then collapsed into giggles. They didn't seem to notice that they'd just knocked Snape flat on his face and probably unconscious.

"Oh, hey guys," Rae said, then hiccupped. "Whassup?"

Pidge squinted at the two. "What have you been drinking?"

"Nothing, I swear!" Retta held her hand up in a drunken impression of a cub scout's word of honor. "We just had a _little _butterbeer. Just a little."

"Like how much little?"

"Um…" Rae's eyes drifted upwards. "Twelve bottles. Yep, twelve."

"Apiece," Retta agreed.

Pidge sighed and did a face-palm. These guys were _much_ too pathetic to kill like this. "Do you guys have _any _dignity?"

"We know not that meaning of this word 'dignity' you speak of," Retta slurred.

"I never knew that stuff was actually alcoholic," Briana commented.

"It's not. These two idiots are just sick to their stomachs. Watch them puke it all up in a couple of hours." Pidge bent over to examine Snape. "Is he dead?"

"Nope. His pulse is still there."  
>She straightened. "Well, no point in staying here. Let's get this over with."<p>

Reaching over to Rae and Retta, she grabbed them by the hair and dragged them towards a sink nearby. They protested weakly, mewling like kittens. Retta tried her worst physical attack, which was basically slapping at anything within a foot radius. Rae just whimpered. Turning on the sink's water, Pidge dunked their heads under, ignoring their squeals and even slamming their heads together a few times for good measure. When they came up, Rae and Retta were wet, breathing hard, and a little bloody. But very much awake, that was for sure.

"What was that for?" Retta whined.

"Your stupidity," Pidge said matter-of-factly. "Now do you want to miss the beginning-of-the-year feast, or what?"

Muttering angrily, Retta sullenly followed Pidge with Rae and Briana (who was happily messing with a large carving knife she'd found), stepping over Snape's prone body.

&R&

The Grand Hall was pretty amazing, to say the least.

It had the same mediaeval interior as the hall they'd seen, but on an even more massive scale. The ceiling extended upwards forever, a canopy of stars. Candles below them burned gently, swaying slightly in a nonexistent breeze. The tables were long and very large overall, but were still crowded with people. Chatter echoed off the walls, and but even if you strained your hearing you probably couldn't make out what anyone was saying. Rae, Briana, Retta, and Pidge were awestruck.

"Incredible," Rae breathed.

They hustled themselves into a corner near the Slytherin table, which was an entertaining experience. Pidge decided to make the most of it.

_~Mini Malfoy Interruption of POV~_

Draco Malfoy was accustomed to admirers, but not any like this girl. She tapped on his shoulder with no trepidation.

He turned around, annoyed from being disrupted. "What?"

She stared at him with wide eyes, not saying a word.

"Urg. Stupid girl." Malfoy sneered and shifted back to facing his goons.

She tapped on his shoulder again.

"What?" he snapped again.

Nothing. Not even a blink.

Grumbling, he sharply turned away.

For the third time, he felt his shoulder get tapped. Malfoy ignored it. And the time after that. And the time after that, as well.

But he found he couldn't ignore it after the sixty-sixth time.

"WHAT?" he yelled, practically screaming, almost decapitating Goyle with his elbow in his haste to turn around.

_~Now back to our regular program!~_

Pidge didn't like being startled by loud noises. So her natural reaction was to inflict violence.

So, in other words, she punched Malfoy in his ferrety face. Like the wuss he was, he fainted, though it hadn't been a very hard punch. Pidge felt sad. _Darn it, why won't my stalkees stay conscious?_

"Holy crap," Retta said, inching forward. "You just…you just— "

"Whoa, I think you bruised his whole face!" Briana said with glee, clapping her hands, which were still holding the knife. Unfortunately, this caused it to slip out of her hands and lodge itself accidently in Rae. Oops.

"I'll get her," Retta sighed, and knelt to resurrect her. Briana and Pidge didn't move, still in shock from the whole Malfoy thing.

"Cool!" Pidge exclaimed.

"Let's see if you can even go five minutes without knocking someone out," Briana said dryly.

"It'll be hard…"

"Uh oh," Retta gulped, Rae brought back to life down below. "We aren't liked well here…"

True enough, the Slytherins were standing up for revenge…

&R&

_Okay, I'm writing this with just about no idea what I'm doing…kinda tired, see…_

_Happy reading._

_~Retta_

_P.S. Briana and Pidge, you are slave drivers, I tell you. God, I'm skipping out on my Biology homework for this!_


	5. Let's Insult Malfoy

_ My dear readers,_

_ Pidge and Briana have sunken to a new level to get this chapter released. They blackmailed me by stealing my Percy Jackson book and holding it hostage. So that is why you have this chapter, despite the fact that my throat hurts, my English homework isn't done, and I wanted to go outside for a change. Alas, I fear I will never have a life outside Fanfiction._

_ And to top it all off, I still don't own Percy Jackson or Harry Potter._

_Life is sucking._

&R&

Retta whimpered, "Pidge, can we leave now?"

"No way."

"But I don't want to get beat up!"

"Well, duh, neither do I. But they've kind of cornered us, the sneaky weasels."

Sadly, Pidge was right. The Slytherins were standing up. A few of them had even been smart enough to circle them, pinning the group against the wall with no easy route of escape.

"I love how we've only been here for an hour and we're already in a fight," Retta groaned. "It was nice to know you guys."

"What? Can't you resurrect us?"

"Not if _I'm_ dead, too. It only works if one of us is alive, which there doesn't seem to be a very good chance of as of right now."

"Well, that sucks."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Wait," Rae held up her hands in a defensive position. "Where do we go if we all die?"

Retta's face was blank with confusion. "What do you mean?" she asked Rae.

"Exactly what I said. What happens if we all die?"

"What do you think? We'll all be dead."

"…Wonderful."

"Well," Pidge said, gearing herself up. "We'll go out fighting."

"How do all the other students and teachers not notice the Slytherins killing us?" Briana asked incredulously.

"Oh my God, a relevant question from Briana!" Retta shouted. "The world is ending!"

"No, I need my six Monsters for that," Pidge reminded her.

"Oh yeah. My mistake."

Rae spoke up. "Maybe we're just extremely unlucky?"

"Apparently."

They had their backs against the wall now. Malfoy staggered upright, his face swelling into a red balloon-like shape.

"You will pay dearly for that," he hissed, which was not really all that impressive.

"Hi!" Briana said brightly, stepping forward. "I'm Briana! I always thought you were cool."

"Well, that is to be expected," Malfoy said arrogantly, preening by smoothing down his pale blonde hair. "I am rather handsome, and rich, and a pureblood, after all."

Retta wrinkled her nose and stepped forward. "Hi. I'm Retta and I always thought you were a jerk."

"Well, that is also to be exp—hey! Who do you think you are?"

Retta shrugged. "Well, if I'm gonna die, whatever. If it makes you feel better, I always thought you were a lovable jerk."

Pidge sighed. "Can we just start fighting already?"

"With pleasure," Malfoy sneered. "My lackeys—um, I mean my housemates! Attack!"

The Slytherins readied to descend upon the group, with fists to rain down upon these scoundrels who had sparked their wrath. Retta sighed. Rae sobbed a little. Briana brandished her carving knife, to possibly skin a Slytherin if needed.

Fortunately, it wasn't.

&R&

_CLIFFIE! I am very mean. But you'll get another chapter soon._

_Okay, I need some advice. Does anyone know how to open up a fandom? Like to get a fandom opened for a book series or whatever. I've tried to do research but I haven't found anything thus far. Sigh. Still feel like crap. Throat feels like broken glass. Urg._

_Happy reading._

_~Retta_


	6. Let's Punch Pansy Parkinson

_ Still feel like utter crap. Tired. Probably hated by my readers of Walk Away because I haven't updated in a month due to other pressures *coughBrianaandPidgecough*. I hope that you guys feel guilty. And you should know that you're never getting blackmail on me again. Never again. Oh, and because of that little scuffle, you're not getting another update (hopefully for me) for at least another two weeks, not even if you update, Pidge, so don't try it. Uh, my throat. Remember: fourteen is just fourteen. Not two. Capishe? _

_ I still don't own Harry Potter or Percy Jackson, you jerks, stop rubbing it in._

_ On with the story._

&R&

It was a pathetic scene.

Retta had given up completely and was reading a book (Percy Jackson), leaning against the wall, seemingly captivated. Even now she was sipping something, probably pumpkin juice she'd stolen off some poor Hufflepuff sap. Briana was defensively holding her knife, which was kind of useless because then Malfoy raised his wand and it floated upward. Pidge was trying to prepare herself to kick butt, but kept getting distracted by fangirling over every new character she wanted to meet personally. Rae was being Rae.

"We're screwed," Briana groaned. "This is hopeless."

Retta shrugged. "Well, no sense whining about it. Enjoy your last seconds, like me." She flipped a page.

Suddenly, a rumbling vibrated through the floor. A high keening noise caused everyone to cover their ears.

The wooden doors, solid as they were, didn't have a chance against what happened next.

The explosion was astronomical, a fiery symphony of rattling booms. The doors moaned with strain and shuddered, starting to begin their hard fall to the ground. Students screamed as they frantically drove out of the way of instant death.

Two silhouettes were visible through the smoke.

"Crap, Katie's pissed off. Is that good for us?" Briana wondered.

And there they were, the late arrivals, Mary and Katie. Mary's glasses were fogged with dirt, her brown hair slightly disheveled. Katie's eyes gleamed with something that could only be described as insanity, and her short curly hair was still bouncing from the aftermath of the blast.

"You guys have some explaining to do," Katie yelled in their general direction. She stalked closer, dragging a reluctant Mary with her. She pushed through the wall of Slytherins, completely disregarding their cries of indigence.

Pidge spoke first. "It was Retta's fault."

"Way to stick up for your friends," Retta grumbled. She then shrieked and hid behind Rae from the advancing force of Katie.

"Hey, you got us in this."

"I…I can explain, once we get out of here," Retta tried desperately.

"Not good enough," Katie seethed. "Try now."

"Well, I just wanted to give Pidge a good surprise birthday present, and I was looking up some black magic, and I thought you guys would appreciate the effort. Guess I was wrong," Retta said sadly. "Please don't kill me."

"Oh, really? Is that all? Okay, whatever, as long as we're not stranded here forever." Katie nonchalantly replied, her anger completely gone.

"It's scary how she does that," Rae whispered to Retta. Retta nodded. "I'm used to it by now."

Mary spoke for the first time. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on! I don't even go to school with you guys! What the heck?"

"Aw, Mary, you read Fanfiction! We couldn't leave you out of this," Pidge said, throwing an arm around Mary's shoulders.

"Uh, guys? The Slytherins are attacking," Briana said to no one in particular.

"Oh, right," Pidge said.

The Slytherins, at first confused about the detonation and reunion, quickly overcame their shock. And so the fight began…

&R&

Retta had her book, a nice Percy Jackson hardback (The Titan's Curse) that she'd pulled earlier from God knows where. Briana had her knife, of course. Pidge, Katie, and Mary needed nothing but their fists. Rae had a frying pan. When the others looked at her funny, she said, "What? It works great in the movies."

"It's just…never mind," Mary said.

Retta started zipping through hordes of Slytherins, bashing one on the head every so often. Briana dueled one-on-one with Blaise Zambini, which was a feat in itself considering he had a wand. But Briana with a knife was like handing an assassin a gun. Actually, Pidge didn't see the difference in those situations at all.

Pidge and Katie were whirlwinds, punching people in various places and kicking unmercifully. It was hard, dodging the spells, but once you got over that, the wizards were defenseless. Mary was only slightly more hesitant. "I'm supposed to be in science right now!" she yelled.

"Doesn't-uh-make a difference!" Pidge yelled back, punching Pansy Parkinson in the stomach, which felt nice and vengeful. For what, she didn't know.

Rae was hitting the unconscious Slytherins passed out on the floor. "I'm just making sure they don't get up again!" she hollered to Retta, who was giving her a reproachful expression. As she swung the pan back to gain the maximum momentum needed, she clocked Malfoy in the back of the head. He went down like a rock. "Oops."

Retta tripped a few more people. Briana stabbed Blaise in the arm, and then stole his wand. Pidge kicked Goyle in the groin, while Mary and Katie narrowly avoided the killing curse.

"Wow, isn't that illegal here?" Mary asked.

"It's pretty much expected of Slytherins," Pidge shouted back.

Rae was still hitting the groaning victims on the floor.

"Uh, nice job, Rae, but I think that guy's passed out now," Retta said uncertainly, watching Rae smash down her lethal weapon once again. And suddenly, the battlefield was silent.

Tired but victorious, the six girls examined the remains, and the reactions of the spectators.

&R&


	7. Let's Become Flower Children

_Disclaimer: I totally own Harry Potter._

_Did you do a double take there? Read it again and note the sarcasm._

&R&

Retta's eyes slowly unscrewed shut, one eyelid even darting quickly upwards in wonder of how they were not dead. Easing up from a crouch, she hugged her book to her chest. "Well. It appears that this must not be that big of a deal."

It certainly appeared as such. The other students and teachers were staring, eyes wide, but they hadn't moved a muscle to help the Slytherins. In fact, after a moment, the Gryffindors were laughing and joking again, and the Ravenclaws were studying their books with vigor. Hufflepuffs seemed to be attempting to find all the cups of pumpkin juice Retta had stolen. _Good luck finding those,_ she giggled manically to herself.

"Huh. Either that, or they_ really_ hate the Slytherins," Pidge said thoughtfully. The group huddled together, inching towards the nearest wall and tripping over unconscious Slytherins.

"So-uh-what do we-oops, sorry-do next?" Rae asked, accidently stepping on Crabbe's face.

Her question was answered, by Dumbledore himself. The great wizard stood up at the head table of teachers, towering majestically over the whole room.

"What an…interesting start to the school year. Madame Pomfrey, would you…?"

"On it," the witch muttered sourly, tossing a glare at the girls that could curdle milk. She started levitating Slytherins towards the entrance to the Great Hall.

"You must be the new witches we've been expecting," Dumbledore said smoothly. "How was your trip? I hope it was comfortable?"

"Um, we're not the wi— " Retta started, holding up a contradictory finger. Pidge silenced her with a well-placed hand.

"What Retta means to say," Pidge covered weakly, "is that our trip was delightful, and that we're_ honored_ to be here."

"Are they from Beauxbatons?" A voice piped up from the Gryffindor table.

"Why yes," Pidge replied sweetly, ignoring Retta's fruitless attempts to bite her hand. "Yes we-ow!-are."

Retta spat away the taste of flesh. "Yuck. Um, Professor, sir, who exactly were you expecting?"

Dumbledore walked calmly over to his podium, serene as ever. "The Beauxbatons Academy of Magic said they were sending transfer students our way. I believe she said that the leader of your group was a Miss Fleur Delacour?"

"Um, yeah," Pidge, thinking fast, pushed Briana forward. "Here she is."

Briana stood frozen to the spot, eyes darting back at Pidge. Pidge gave her a thumbs-up.

"Yep, that's us," Briana said with a smile that looked more like a grimace. "I'm Fleur, and these are my friends, uh, Dandelion, Iris, Bluebell, Daisy, and, um, Weed."

She pointed to Mary, Retta, Rae, Katie, and Pidge consecutively.

"Well," Dumbledore smiled kindly, "A sorting seems to be in order, then. Professor McGonagall, if you may?"

Said teacher stood up and produced the Sorting Hat from beneath the table. She stiffly walked over in front of the teachers' table, and with a wave of her wand, made a stool materialize, which she set the Hat upon.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "If you girls would please step forward?"

They obliged, somewhat unwillingly. Dumbledore spoke again, his voice echoing throughout the chamber. "Shall we start in alphabetical order?"

"All right," Pidge said uncertainly. This was huge! A miracle! She was having a hard time getting her mind around it. _They _were about to be sorted. _They_, a ragtag team of high school choir fangirl geeks. Well, except for Mary. But she was coming next year, for sure. So she counted.

"Bluebell, please step forward."

Rae trembled with anxiety, but she pushed herself to walk to the stool, and with shaking fingers, dropped the hat on her head. The others waited and watched with baited breath.

&R&

_You guys totally weren't expecting that, admit it._


	8. Let's Make Enemies with a Hat Part 1

_ Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter._

&R&

Rae just wanted to go home.

She hadn't exactly begged to go along on their little magical jaunt. Actually, she had snorted and asked if Retta was on crack.

_"That's beside the point," Retta pressed, looking shifty. "Do you wanna go or not?"_

_ "No."_

_ "But Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaae! This is an experience of a lifetime! Don't you want to meet Dumbledore, or Malfoy, or Harry Potter himself?"_

_ "Actually, Retta, I just want you to calm down, breathe, and maybe stop amputating my arm with your nails."_

_ Retta hastily removed her hand from Rae's arm, ignoring the new red welts. "But this will be fun! And besides, Pidge is already there!"_

_ Rae stared flatly. "You sent Pidge into another dimension with black magic you found on Wikipedia? How stupid are you, Retta?"_

_ "Extremely!" Retta protested. "But you're completely missing the point! It'll be fun!"_

_ "You know," Rae pondered, "you say things like that a lot. And then they usually end with me dying."_

_ "You're such a pessimist, Rae."_

And then she had gotten pulled along anyway. Life was sucking.

However, getting sorted was pretty awesome. One of the perks, she supposed, of this whole mess.

The hat slipped over her head.

_Well, well, what do we have here? _A voice whispered mockingly in her head.

Rae overreacted a little.

Well, she shrieked, threw the hat off her head, and started stomping it with frantic intentions. By the time the other girls stopped her, the hat was a scuffed rag on the floor.

"Hufflepuff," it said aloud weakly. "The most violent one I've ever met. Ow, that hurt, you slimeball!"

Rae shrugged, and skipped over to the Hufflepuff table. She sat down.

"Hi!" another Hufflepuff girl said, "I see you have the true Hufflepuff spirit! You found your own seat!"

&R&

Katie wasn't nervous at all. She walked forward with all the confidence of the honey badger, 'cause the honey badger don't give a crap. (AN: I don't think you guys will get that particular inside joke. Oh well, I'll explain it to you later.)

With all the dignity she could muster, she plopped the crumpled pile of fabric onto her head. It slipped past her eyes.

_ Hmmm._ The hat was considering. _Well…none of them seem to have souls, so I guess this is normal._

With a throaty cough, the hat shouted, "Gryffindor!"

"Wahoo!" With a leap of happiness, Katie flew from her stool with a cheer, thus dumping the hat on the ground again within the space of five minutes. Because fate was feeling mean, Katie accidently stepped on its folds of a face before running to the Gryffindor table.

&R&

Mary was disbelieving.

Last night, she had been worrying about her huge Algebra test. Today she was in a gigantic castle pretending to be a French floozy's friend. The alliteration was sickening.

And Briana had called her a dandelion. Did Pidge spike any of her drinks with Monster? She could almost see that, except for the fact that Pidge wouldn't share any of her Monsters.

She sighed, cradled her head in her hands, and picked up the sorry excuse of a hat. Pulling it crossly on her head, Mary ignored the sharp grunts of pain it emitted.

_All of you are just regular little witches, aren't you,_ the hat seethed, and Mary had the feeling it wasn't talking about magic.

"Gryffindor," it muttered aloud, along with an insult about the girls' stupidity. Mary made sure to crush it a little underneath the heel of her boot, grinding the fabric into the stone.

&R&


	9. Let's Make Enemies with a Hat Part 2

_ Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter._

&R&

"I'm pretty sure the hat hates us," Retta whispered to Pidge. "What if it makes the rest of us Hufflepuffs? I don't want to be a Hufflepuff!"

"Calm down," Pidge replied confidently. "It can't hate it that much." Then again, Rae had certainly left it with a bad impression…

As if reading Pidge's thoughts, Retta said fiercely, "But Rae mutilated it!"

Dumbledore coughed, and the remaining girls were brought to attention. "I believe it is Fleur's turn, is it not?"

"Um, yeah…"

Briana stumbled up with Pidge's encouraging push forward. Sending a glare backwards, she sat tentatively down on the rickety stool, and picked up the hat again. It seemed to give a small groan of anguish.

Pulling it hard over her head, Briana squirmed and waited for the customary voice to make itself heard.

_Oops…it's not speaking. I think Mary knocked it unconscious._

_ I'm here, I'm here_, the hat grumbled. _Let's see…uh…can't focus…Slytherin!_

"Yes!" Briana did a fist pump and threw the hat off and down on the ground, football touchdown style. Realizing nobody knew why she had cheered, she blushed and sat down again.

Below, the hat twitched weakly. "S-slytherin…"

"Sorry," Briana said nonchalantly, stepping over it to walk to the Slytherin table, which was blissfully empty of students due to the fight earlier. _More treacle tart for me!_

&R&

Retta was nervous. She kinda wanted to be a Gryffindor, but at the same time, the Internet Quiz had said she was a Ravenclaw! And being a Slytherin didn't sound so bad…She told Pidge all this. That was when Pidge slapped her and told her to get her ass up to the stool and find out. Plotting revenge, Retta gingerly picked up the hat and placed it with as much gentleness as she could on her head. Just like that, all she could see was dark stifling cotton. She could only smell sweat. _Gross! How often do they wash this thing?_

_ I can hear you_, the hat said, and Retta winced.

_Um…sorry?_ She tried to convey back.

_Whatever_, it snarled. "Ravenclaw!"

"Wow, cool!" Smiling in delight, Retta whipped the hat off, and realizing her mistake, snagged it up from the floor again for the fifth time and delicately set it on top of the stool.

But she still may have accidently tripped on it.

&R&

Pidge wasn't excited to be called up to the stool as "Weed." _Must remind myself later to kick Briana for that one._

She walked casually up to the stool, as all the other girls had done before her. Picking the hat up and throwing it on her head, Pidge let it flop into her eyes. A sudden voice growled into her ear, _I hate you and your friends. So, so much. Revenge will be mine!_

"Yeah, yeah," Pidge said, practically yawning. "Get in line."

The hat snarled something that couldn't quite be translated into words. Pidge could feel its smoldering resentment. She brushed it off casually.

The hat sighed inwardly with resignation. "GRYFFINDOR!"

Pidge hadn't_ really_ meant to, but she still might have kicked the hat on her way to the Gryffindor table.

&R&


	10. Let's Make Conversation

_ Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter, for those morons that still bother to read this._

&R&

The Sorting was now complete. Over. Done.

The Sorting Hat was a bit more…ragged, yes, but at least the castle hadn't been blown up. Retta was glad for those small miracles.

Dumbledore had called up the feast right after they had finished, as it was already late and even all-powerful wizards had to eat. Probably. Retta wasn't sure. She had so many questions. But with an evil sort of satisfaction, she realized that she would have a lot of time to get them answered. She hummed happily and snatched another glass of tantalizingly sweet pumpkin juice. Man, this stuff was amazing!

Glancing around, Retta saw that her new Housemates were doing the most boring tasks possible. Reading books that didn't have dragons or witches or exploding stuff on the cover. Scribbling down essay drafts that were due next semester. Researching Muggle history—for _fun_.

_Why was I placed here again?_ she asked herself. And then, in a glittering gold burst, the answer came to her on gilded wings.

_I need to teach these guys how to have fun_, she realized.

Grinning, she leaned forward and said loudly, "Who here has ever heard of Fanfiction?"

&R&

Rae was having a great time. Sure, everybody here was a little strange, always trying to find stupid crap, but nobody was trying to kill her.

It helped that the food was excellent, even if Retta was stealing all the pitchers of pumpkin juice from their table.

She laughed and toasted her good fortune with an empty goblet.

&R&

Pidge was on a mission.

Operation Talk to Harry Potter, to be exact.

Not her most creative name, but she was too busy shoving Colin Creevey's head down for a look to dwell on the concept further. Stupid kid was stubborn.

Of course, she wasn't going to be picky right now. Not with Neville, Hermione, and all the Weasleys here, too.

Beside her, Katie was talking animatedly to everyone else, ignoring the blatant way in which they shrunk down in fear. Mary seemed to have a headache, scowling and rubbing her forehead.

Pidge then locked eyes on the unsuspecting Neville.

&R&

Briana's table was quiet, but she didn't mind.

She was having too much fun playing with her butcher knife and her wand. It was stubbornly shooting emerald sparks, but she would stop that behavior immediately. _New toy, yay!_

She cackled evilly. This was gonna be awesome.

Across the room, Retta and Rae shivered simultaneously.

&R&

"The Genius Trilogy?"

"…"

"The Heir Trilogy, or maybe The Seven Realms series?"

"…"

"Artemis Fowl?"

"…"

"Percy Jackson?"

"…"

"Teen Titans?"

"…"

"Young Justice?"

"…"

Retta slowly walked over to the nearest wall and leaned her head against it. This. Was. Pathetic.

"You're kidding me. Not even _Harry Potter?" _She yelled, not thinking.

One student scoffed. "Of course we've heard of Harry Potter. We're obviously not stupid."

"But you've never even heard of the others? Not even Percy Jackson?" Retta asked desperately.

"Nope," replied all of the other Ravenclaw students as they turned back to their books.

Retta sunk to the floor in despair and chugged a glass of butterbeer. She would welcome insanity.

&R&

Briana hadn't meant to light the table on fire. It had just…happened. Accidently, of course. She watched curiously as the fumes drifted skyward.

She would have worried more, maybe, but the flames were pretty colors. First violet, then emerald, then midnight blue, then gold, then scarlet …Briana thought it was fascinating. Who cared if the Hufflepuffs were starting to catch on fire?

&R&

Rae wasn't amused. Even if the fire was pretty.

&R&

Pidge hurtled herself over the remaining Gryffindors in her way. The table was an aisle of destruction; on her way to her beloved, Pidge had knocked over a tureen of gravy, stepped straight through a succulent roast, and shattered a glistening pitcher of pumpkin juice. Buttered rolls littered the floor. Frosting smeared the stone with sticky chocolate goodness near a smashed cake. But it didn't matter. She careened frantically towards _him._

There might have been a few small fires on the way, too. But whatever.

Pidge tackled Neville, throwing his body down hard to the ground. With a cry, he attempted to sit up, but it was difficult when Pidge was hugging him, wrapping her arms around his midsection.

"Er!" he cried, "Geroff! Geroff!"

Pidge tightened her grip. She would not be deterred by his pleas for mercy.

&R&

Neville's garbled pleas for help were ignored by the majority of the Gryffindor table. Pidge supposed that they were used to his daily accidents by now. They were what, in their third year or so? Pidge didn't know, and at the moment didn't care.

"Oh my God I've always wanted to meet you you're my love and so is Sirius but you probably don't care so I won't go into that!" Pidge gasped for air. Beneath her, Neville squirmed.

"What are you doing?" he cried. "I don't even _know _you!"

"But that's okay! We can get to know each other! That's the beautiful thing about being Housemates!"

Neville blanched. "Y-you're in Gryffindor?" he stammered.

"Yup," Pidge said proudly. "Isn't it wonderful?"

"That's probably not the word he would use," Mary commented idly from nearby. She glumly forked some roast beef into her mouth.

"Don't spoil my fun, Ma-Dandelion. He's mine," Pidge replied gleefully, and with that, she pounced on him again like a kitten on catnip. Neville gave up on escaping and just took the abuse, letting his face be shoved into the ground. Pidge squealed with happiness. "My life is almost complete! I just have to see Sirius!"

Pidge looked up briefly to see Retta sullenly shuffling over. "This is awful!" she wailed. "My Housemates don't know anything useful! They keep talking about boring crap like…like physics, and geometry, and conjugating verbs! Not even cool stuff like poisonous plants or German or chemistry. I…ah…!"

Rae walked over as well, her clothes charred and ragged. Silently, she handed a glass of pumpkin juice to Retta as she sobbed, and this seemed to do the trick. Sobs turned into hiccups. In return, Retta waved her hand and Rae's clothes stitched their own holes shut, and the burns were wiped away like charcoal dust.

Pidge hadn't noticed any of this and was still hugging Neville with fierce fangirl adoration.

Mary sighed and wished she didn't have such dumb friends.

&R&

Briana was sad when the table was done burning, all its wood turned to ashes. Good thing there were still curtains.

So little time, so much to burn!

&R&


	11. Let's Find Ourselves a Home

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But my friends and I have a super evil plan to steal the rights. Just kidding. Maybe._

&R&

By the time dinner was done, hunger was satisfied, and thirst was quenched, the main hall was definitely looking worse for the wear. The tapestries on the wall sagged pitifully, smudged with soot, while the air smelled strongly of smoke. Most of the Slytherins had been carted off to the infirmary, but here and there a broken wand or a spot of blood remained. The Slytherins' table was charred beyond repair and the Gryffindors' table was surrounded by culinary wreckage.

It was really no wonder Dumbledore took one look around the room and called an early bedtime. "You'll probably want to get settled in," he chuckled nervously, which was really just a flimsy excuse for "Oh God, this is going to be a hell of a year." Pidge couldn't say she blamed him.

"Now first years, over here! First years!" the prefects were shouting, nudging confused students into orderly lines. Briana happily stood by herself, a bewildered Slytherin prefect with a burn on his arm trying to lead her out of the hall.

_He must have been one of the lucky ones_, Pidge thought with a mental smirk.

She elbowed Retta, who was wandering around with a lost expression. "Tell Briana and Rae to meet us back in the hallway around midnight. I'll get Katie and Mary."

"Okay. But…"

"What is it?"

"I don't know how to get in the Slytherin and Hufflepuff common rooms!"

Pidge shrugged the question away. "Just use some of those Ravenclaw brains."

"But-!"

"Sorry, can't hear you!" Pidge sing-songed as she waltzed away towards her own line. Jostling for room, she informed Katie and Mary of the rendezvous outside the main hall.

Percy the prefect was in charge, being his usual bossy self. "If you will please get in line—a nice orderly line, if you will, _Fred and George_—then the sooner we can get to our common room," Percy snapped, his robes swishing around his ankles as he sharply turned towards the doors, which were hanging off their hinges from various explosions.

Pidge, Mary, and Katie were hustled along, out of the Great Hall and into a cavernous hall with torches and doors lining the walls and rain slashing the window panes outside. The lightning flickered on the amazed faces of the first years and Pidge. She barely got to pause in wonder before someone shoved her further along, sending her almost tripping.

Then—they entered the tower of stairways.

The ceiling was even higher than Pidge had imagined. All she could hear was the rumbling of the moving staircases and the loud whispering of the portraits.

"Yes, those are the new students—"

"—they're certainly scrawny, aren't they?"

"There go the new Gryffindors! That's my House, you know!"

"Oh, shut up, here come the Slytherin…s?"

"Funny, I don't see any."

"Well, I'm sure they've already gotten to bed. They're smarter than your stupid Gryffindors!"

Pidge could hear the start of a hostile argument between the House alumni. Before she could eavesdrop any longer, Pidge was roughly pushed to a stop, nearly tripping Mary, who was in back of her. On her tiptoes, she could see why they had stopped.

Percy stood in front of a wide portrait, about the size of a door. On it, a rather portly lady with pink ruffles and dark curls framing a frumpy face stood regally.

"Password?" she asked simply, folding her hands over her satin-covered tummy.

Percy stood straighter and preened, smoothing back his hair. "Fortuna major."  
>The Fat Lady, as Pidge had recognized, disappeared as her door swung inward. Students poured into the room.<p>

Pidge and her friends found themselves in the famed Gryffindor common room. It was exactly as J. K. Rowling had described, all red and gold and friendship around a fireplace, beckoning with its warmth. _I could get to like this._

&R&

The poor prefect was hurrying along the corridors, fruitlessly trying to drag Briana in the right direction as quickly as possible. He scuttled down the stairs, avoiding Briana's rapid-fire questions. They were clearly descending, branching off from the main stream of students to the lower floors of the castle. Briana stopped to look at everything, from the ghosts to Filch's cat. She was as distracted and hyper as a five-year-old with ADD and a sugar rush. In a detached corner of her mind, Briana almost felt sorry for the poor sap assigned to their common room.

There was no one with them by the time they reached the entrance. It was guarded by nothing more than a blank stone wall, and Briana was trying to see where they were going to enter when the prefect said shakily, "House elves should be seen, not heard."

With a grinding noise, part of the wall slid aside to reveal a tunnel. Running through to the other side, Briana stood inside proudly, beaming to an empty room. "Hello, my new Housemates!" She failed to realize that no one but the prefect behind her was with her.

The ceilings were low and the walls were draped with green. Silver light glowed from lanterns floating above her head.

Briana bounded over to an overstuffed armchair and threw herself into it upside down. Grinning at the terrified prefect, she asked, "So, what say we get this party started?"

&R&

Rae was feeling much better with new clothes and a fresh glass of pumpkin juice. However, before she got to take a sip, the dirty dishes on every table disappeared and so did her glass. Feeling a little disgruntled, she stood up with the rest of her house and prepared to leave for her common room.

It was really crowded in the hallway, and Rae grunted as she was shoved along to her House's common room. She couldn't see much of anything except for the black of robes in front of her, but she could still see enough to be completely in awe. _This _was Hogwarts? How much more incredible could this night get?

Suddenly, something tugged at her elbow. "Hey! Rae! It's me, Retta. Meet me outside the main hall at eleven o'clock tonight, 'kay?"

Before Rae could turn around to inquire exactly what Retta meant by that, she was swept past her.

Before she knew it, the tide of people diminished somewhat and she was standing awkwardly among other Hufflepuffs, shifting for better space. Someone muttered something and Rae heard tapping before a tunnel in the wall opened. Rae shuffled in with her Housemates.

It was set low in the ground, but unlike Snape's dungeon, it had a cheery, sun-warmed atmosphere, like a greenhouse. Above her head, round windows let bright sunshine filter through, though Rae _knew _it was raining outside. It was decorated with warm, buttery yellow and coal black, and sunflowers were all over the place. Other magical plants came alive, turning their stalks to face the new arrivals. The air smelled of summer, like fresh-cut grass and berries.

Being an outside sort of girl, Rae was rather pleased with the arrangement.

&R&

Retta was somewhat relieved when she'd managed to catch Rae at the end of the main hall. Now she wouldn't be alone in her quest to sneak Briana out of her House common room. Sighing with relief, she faded back into just another face in the Ravenclaw crowd.

She, like everyone else before her, couldn't help but be astonished by the breath-taking magnificence of Hogwarts. It was brilliant, more than everything she had imagined. For the first time, she felt _real _here, real and alive and so, so happy. This was gonna be great!

Retta sailed up the stairs with her Housemates, smiling every time she saw something that she recognized from her reading.

The Ravenclaw common room was in a tower, and the stairs leading up to the tower started on the fifth floor. Retta ran up the steps with a sense of irrational urgency. At the end of the stairs was a door with a prominent feature; a bronze eagle sternly staring down in the shape of a knocker. Retta fell back as a prefect stepped forward. She knocked it once, and the thud echoed all the way down the stairs. All was quiet as breaths were held.

A deep voice said, "As soon as it is spoken, it is broken."

The prefect cleared her throat. "Silence," she answered back confidently. The door opened. Retta slipped in as fast as she could.

It was the best place ever.

The ceiling was a canopy of stars, so life-like that Retta was sure they were real. She even thought she saw a comet, flashing dark gold as it fell. Blue bunting hung down the wall in waves, like an ocean, circling the room. The windows were large and clear, and Retta was sure they would showcase an astounding view when the sun rose. And in the back of the room…

"That's the most beautiful library I've ever seen!" Retta exclaimed to no one. She was the only one still standing in the doorway. _I'm going to have so much fun with this_, she thought. After all, it was still three hours until eleven o'clock.

&R&


	12. Let's Get Lost

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. _

&R&

It was ten minutes to eleven o'clock. In the Ravenclaw common room, Retta sighed happily and shoved the last fantasy novel back into its rightful place on a shelf. She'd just spent almost three hours blissfully reading, and she hadn't even touched a large portion of the library.

And what a library it was! It had _everything. _Supernatural to adventure to her sometimes love, horror (horror and parody went back and worth on her favorites list). The only thing Retta was unhappy about was the lack of computers. How exactly was she supposed to read Fanfiction? No wonder nobody here had heard of it. She would change that.

But now, Retta had a job to do. One that would most likely get her killed. That had probably been Pidge's intention, come to think of it. Good thing she had asked Rae to come along.

How the hell was she even supposed to find the stupid Slytherin common room?

Retta poked her head outside the cozy confines of the library to scan the main part of the common room. Being the faithful students they were, her Housemates had long since departed to bed. Thank God for small miracles. Retta darted across the dark room, squeaking in fearful surprise whenever her foot stepped on a noisy floorboard. Dammit, these people had magic! Why they didn't use it to fix such mundane things as a loose floorboard, she didn't know. Honestly.

Retta slipped outside the door and began her trek down the stairs.

&R&

Rae, meanwhile, was enjoying the company of her newfound friends, the Hufflepuffs. They sympathized with her constant dying. It was refreshing to be around people who thought that was weird, though since these people weren't in the least normal, she had to wonder about the sanity of her and her friends.

But come eleven o'clock, the majority of them were passed out in their dorms and Rae stepped outside into the tunnel to meet one such friend.

What exactly did Retta want to do? 

&R&

Retta tapped her foot impatiently in the hall outside the Great Hall. It was four minutes after eleven o'clock, and she was feeling rather nervous. She hadn't had an invisibility cloak, so she'd just conjured one up. It was nice having magic outside of magic.

But there had still been a few close calls. Filch's cat had come dangerously near her at one point, sniffing raggedly and staring at Retta with narrowed muddy eyes. Retta shifted uncomfortably and tried to melt even further into the shadows, but it was hard when her back was already against the wall. She stifled a shriek when the cat decided it wasn't worth it and scuttled away, over one of her toes. Clearly, Mrs. Norris had never had her claws cut. Cursing the stupid cat, Retta waited.

After what felt like forever (but was probably only two more minutes), Rae stumbled into the hall. She was obviously drowsy.

"I'm tired. When can I go back to bed?" she asked crossly.

Ignoring her, Retta moved to the point. "'Kay, glad you're here. We gotta get Briana from the Slytherin common room. We're supposed to meet Pidge at twelve. You up for it? Yes? Great. Let's go."

Rae felt even more confused, but followed Retta down the hall.

&R&

Meanwhile, Briana was having a _great _time.

Well, she was, at least. The other Slytherins, who had slowly been growing in number, were cowering in one green silk-draped corner. They had trickled into the common room in twos and threes. After all, magic cured almost everything. The ones with the most horrible injuries would be out of the infirmary in a matter of days.

And though Briana had found the hidden butterbeer stash, passed out party hats, and inflated enough balloons to fill up her bedroom back home, no one else seemed to be in the party spirit. Tired of trying to coax her fellow Housemates and disappointed in the general lack of enthusiasm, Briana spoke in the quietest voice she had used all night.

"Well, you guys are a sorry lot. I'm skipping town. Seeya later, suckers!"

With that, Briana tossed her party hat aside nonchalantly and walked out of the common room. There was a noticeable sigh of relief after she left.

&R&

Retta and Rae had absolutely no idea where the Slytherin common room was. Retta, as she described it, was "winging" it. "Hey, they like dark, grungy places, don't they?" Retta asked, in a voice that made it clear that the question was rhetorical. "How hard can it be? Just follow the trail of limping Slytherins."

With that thought in mind, they had planted themselves outside of the infirmary. So far, they had been there a total of five minutes and both girls were—astonishingly enough—bored.

It was only eleven-oh-seven.

Finally, there was movement. Draco Malfoy hobbled into the dimly lit hall, muttering obscenities and swearing revenge. Retta couldn't hear what he was planning, but knowing Malfoy, it involved all of them disappearing mysteriously. _Ah, _she thought, _I almost pity you. You have no idea what you're up against. _Who could know that they were a group of psychotic fangirls transported to this dimension with black Internet-based magic?

Funny to think that Rae and Katie didn't even go on Fanfiction. But who hadn't heard of Harry Potter, by hook or by crook (or perhaps by book)? That's right. No one. Everyone had read the books, or seen the movies. So every one of them had potentially fandom-changing knowledge. Like, for instance, if Pidge told Harry about Sirius's death, or for that matter, the fact that Sirius was his godfather. They hadn't even gotten to that part of the book. Judging by the evidence she had collected, Retta could roughly estimate they were in the early stages of the third book.

However, seeing as how the book _was _already set in stone, Retta wondered if they could change anything at all.

Jarring back to reality, Retta watched eagerly with Rae as Malfoy trudged down the hallway. They stealthily followed him, secret-agent-style, even resorting to using finger guns in fits of childish giggles. They thought it hilarious.

Malfoy must've have been deeply distracted by his anger, because he hadn't noticed that anything was wrong.

Like Retta had expected, they descended into the lower levels of the castle, taking staircase after staircase down into the depths. The whole castle was dark and empty and silent. It was _technically _past curfew, but Malfoy must've had some sort of special pass. Retta still had the makeshift invisibility cloak, bulging in her large coat pocket.

&R&

Pidge was also having a great time. Or, as she liked to call it, a _brilliant _time, because that was more British-sounding and she had started using her best British accent again. They _were _in England, and she had decided that they needed to sound like it. So she was in the process of persuading Mary and Katie into picking up a charming, cheesy British accent.

Of course, she was a little sad. Most Gryffindors had gone to bed by ten thirty. Neville had retired to bed at eight, having scrambled, screaming, into his dormitory and locking the door with magic.

So they were collapsed on a cozy red velvet couch in front of the fire, having dashed for the seats as soon as they had emptied. Pidge glanced at a nearby clock; it appeared that she, Mary, and Katie had about forty minutes before they needed to leave.

She smiled and returned to perfecting her accent.

Life was good.

&R&

Life was going downhill.

It was taking _forever _to get to the Slytherin common room. Like, seven minutes. This was an extraordinary amount to Rae and Retta, debatably the longest walk they had ever undertaken. Granted, this _might _have been a little bit of an exaggeration, Retta thought, but it sure seemed that way.

Their attention spans were definitely questionable.

Down at the end of the hall they were walking down, where the light wasn't even existent, a noise was heard, faint as a heartbeat. It was a rapid, annoyingly repetitive tapping sound that even Malfoy noticed through his internal plotting. He glared in the direction of the disturbance.

Rae and Retta were a little uneasy. There was only one thing that was that annoying and yet welcoming. They fled further into the shadows, finger guns outstretched.

Briana charged down the hall faster than Malfoy could comprehend, slamming into him.

"Cool! I thought I'd run into someone down here! I was bored. Were you going back to the common room? 'Cause it was boring as dirt, I swear," Briana said breathlessly, a huge grin on her face. She stopped and frowned uncertainly at Malfoy, who was sprawled on the ground. "Is he dead?" she asked Rae.

"Dunno," she replied. "Maybe…?"

"I hope not," Retta said, walking over for a look. She poked him with her shoe. "Just unconscious, I think."

Briana thought so too. After all, didn't head wounds always bleed a lot anyway?

It was a bit of an impromptu meeting, but the girls were pleased to see each other nonetheless. Over Malfoy's (hopefully) unconscious body, they exchanged greetings, until Retta remembered her true purpose.

"Oh yeah, we're supposed to meet Katie and Pidge and Mary in the hall outside the Great Hall at midnight," she said.

Briana asked, "Well, what time is it?"

"Fifteen minutes to twelve," Retta said, consulting her cell phone.  
>They simultaneously glanced around the hall. It was very nondescript, with no landmarks to gauge exactly where they were.<p>

"You know where we are?" Rae asked Briana hopefully.

"Hey, I wasn't really paying attention the first time I came down here," Briana said truthfully.

"Yeah, I've noticed we have problems with that," Retta said thoughtfully.

Briana brightened. "Well, no time to waste—it can't be that hard to find our way up!"

&R&


	13. Let's Almost Get Eaten

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry or Potter._

_ Dear iambookworm:_

_Thank you for the kind reviews you sent my way. I like you already. _

_Pidge sometimes sort of scares me, to be honest. She'll read this today and beat me up tomorrow. :D But that's what friends are for…right?_

_ Anyway…that's why this chapter is kind of a dedication to you. The other half of it is that my friends will kill me if I don't update ASAP. But anyway. On with the story!_

&R&

Five minutes later, Retta was pretty certain there was no hope for escape. God, exactly how big _was _this place? Every time they turned a corner, another endless corridor stretched past the limitations of eyesight. And speaking of that, why were the torches mounted on the wall so _dim_? Retta wondered how Slytherins ever saw anything going on down here. It was amazing they even managed to find their dormitories, if you asked her. But nobody did, so she shared her many opinions anyway, much to the annoyance or her friends.

"Are we there yet?"

"…No."

"How 'bout now?"

"Rae, ask again and I will rip your vocal cords straight out of your throat," Briana warned, shaking her fist in Rae's face. Rae gulped, taking a few large steps to the side. She suddenly giggled and said, mockingly innocent, "Are we there yet?"

Briana stepped towards her annoying Hufflepuff friend, ready to inflict some minor pain, when Rae shoved Retta in front of her like a shield. Retta protested, already seeing the brutal outcome of this situation.

"No, no, no!" Retta said, jumping back to safety. "Let's keep going—seriously, does _anyone _know where we're going? 'Cause I'm open to suggestions…"

&R&

Back in the Gryffindor common room, there was similar (through considerably more non-lethal) squabbling.

"I wanted to be a Hufflepuff!"

"No, Mary! Don't wish for instant death!"

"Yeah, bad idea there."

"But they're loyal! And kind! And they—"

"Find useless things? Get constantly made fun of? Are often lit on fire? Yes, yes, and yes."

Having proved her point, Pidge yawned, stretching like a cat. She smiled like she'd caught the canary, dipped in cream to boot. The hands of the grandfather clock nearby were slowly approaching twelve.

"Hey guys, it's about that time," she said, standing up. Mary and Katie rose as well. Both joined the enthusiastic Pidge at the entrance to the common room. Mary looked at the grandfather clock; it was five minutes to midnight.

Pidge pushed the door open, wincing at the barely audible creak the hinges made. The three girls crept out into the cavernous hall, holding their shoes so they wouldn't have to deal with any loud echoes attracting nosy cats. Rain slashed the window panes, thunder rattling the glass, while lightning veined the sky. Pidge loved storms; their random destructive chaos was lovely to behold.

After several close encounters with a previously mentioned cat, they made it to the hall outside the Great Hall. There was no sign of Retta or Rae or Briana.

_Those lazy bums, _Pidge thought, _where are they screwing off at?_

&R&

Five minutes.

Ten minutes.

Twenty-three minutes.

After thirty-nine minutes, Pidge could hear loud, ragged breathing and footsteps coming their way. She motioned for Mary and Katie to hide.

From behind a tapestry they witnessed another three girls bursting from a side hall, panting and bending over and even falling to the ground. On closer examination, they realized it was those lazy slackers they'd been waiting for.

Rae was passed out on the floor, while Briana and Retta were merely bending over from exhaustion. It was kind of comical.

Pidge walked over, nudged Rae with her toe, and asked, "What happened to you guys? Jeez, what did you do this time, run into Fluffy?"

"Actually," Retta panted, "We did. Seven times."

"It's so confusing down there!" Briana moaned.

"Well, no use crying over it now," Pidge said briskly, standing up straight and brushing off her shoulders. "We've got work to do. Let's discuss our evening plans."

&R&

_Sorry it's short, guys, but this is me jumping back into the swing of things._


	14. Let's--OH MY GOD RAE DON'T TOUCH THAT

_OH MAH GAWD GUYS I ACTUALLY UPDATED_

_I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF EVEN IF IT'S BEEN LIKE A YEAR_

_Anyways. Here you go!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. *cries a bit* I know, it's just a pipe dream._

&R&

"Now," Retta said brusquely. "It's time for an adventure!" She pulled out a map from an unseen pocket, unfolding it to its true size and attempting to smooth out its many wrinkles.

"Where did that come from?" Rae inquired, trying to read the map upside-down.

"Magical thinking powers," Retta said, tapping her forehead. "Conjured it up. That reminds me…"

She folded the map back up into a paper square and tucked it away, calmly pulling out a decadent-looking slice of chocolate cake.

"Can you…do you have…brownies?" Briana gasped in disbelief.

"Why yes," Retta replied devilishly, pulling out yet another wonder out of her coat pockets: a platter of brownies. "Actually, while I'm at it…"

Before Rae knew it, a brown-and-white bunny had plopped into her arms.

"It's Christmas!" Rae shouted joyously.

"It's my birthday!" Briana yelled gleefully.

"It's National Pi Day!" Retta screamed happily.

"Pie?" the others asked confusedly.

"Well, almost. This _is _being published on the thirteenth day of the third month, which is close to the fourteenth day of the third month," Retta explained. "Whoops, I might've accidentally broken the fourth wall there—"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Pidge inquired.

"I like factoids."

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooookay then."

Briana peered around. "Say, where did Mary and Katie wander off to?"

Rae facepalmed. "Not again."  
>"No!" Pidge smacked the nearest meandering student upside the head. He scurried away fearfully. "We must go on! We might meet them on the way to our destination anyway. We're going to spend the night in the Chamber of Secrets."<p>

&R&

"Uh…not that I don't love tapestries and all, but this one's smothering me."

Mary and Katie extracted themselves from a pile of moth-eaten cloth. Mary stood up first. "Where did the others go?"

Katie shrugged. "I dunno. I was looking at this magical sprite thing and followed it behind a tapestry, and _you _followed me. And now we're lost."

Mary facepalmed. It was becoming a regular thing.

A hand tugged on her sleeve. She turned to see Katie's distraught face pointing into the darkness of the completely unfamiliar and deserted and dark hallway. "I hear sounds. Lots of sounds."

There was a buzzing in the distance, and it was slowly approaching them. Scratch that, it was going pretty fast towards them.

"RUNRUNRUNRUN!"

They fled down the hall, never noticing the (mostly) harmless Cornish pixie trailing behind them, flying and swooping in wide lazy circles.

&R&

"Found it!" Pidge declared, pointing at the door.

"Yes!" All four girls high-fived vigorously.

"We are the _shit!" _Retta yelled. "I mean—we are…uh…the greatest?"

"Damn it, I hope the rating is T on this thing," Rae grumbled. "But I _am _proud of you. Look at you, cursing semi-seriously in a fic!"

"Shhhhh," Briana warned her. "This fandom might explode if we speak about this kind of stuff too carelessly."

"Really?"

"No idea. Hey, let's run inside and scare Moaning Myrtle!"

Glancing at each other in mingled states of panic and ecstasy, Rae shoved open the door and stepped inside first. She pulled the zipper of her jacket up to her chin and shivered. "It's cold in here! Hurry up!"

Retta peeked inside and followed with little excited bounces in her step. Briana walked in calmly. Pidge glared suspiciously at the doorway before entering. Her Batparanoia was on edge.

The bathroom was pretty close to the movie's description; it had once been grand and beautiful (at least, as grand and beautiful as a public girls' restroom can be) and you could tell it easily. The room had gorgeously carved stone arches over the cracked mirrors. The tiled mosaics on the wall had once been enchanted to reflect the time of day, but the spell had obviously gone wonky over time and now there was nothing but a dim outline of a sun that had no more luminescence then that of a Muggle light bulb. The windows let the moon shine in, showing the girls the pitiful display of bathroom stalls huddled on the left wall, away from the sinks.

"Well, at least the storm stopped," Rae shrugged.

"Yeah, but how does this thing work?" Retta said, kicking the base of a sink with her foot. She yelped and clutched at it, jumping up and down. "Lesson learned, don't kick things made out of stone!"

"Hm." Pidge, the Harry Potter expert, stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Who here speaks 'snake?'"

"Only for conversational purposes," Rae muttered. "I couldn't write a book on it or anything."

"Awesome! Now go seduce it," Retta said brightly, gently pushing Rae in the general direction of the sinks.

"Alright," Rae said resignedly. "This'll be fun."

She twisted one of the sink handles a bit. Water dripped from it. "How does this work again?"

"Um, just do that and whisper 'open up' in snake," Pidge said, racking her brain. "That will probably do it."

"What if it's booby-trapped?" Briana said thoughtfully. "What if it, I don't know, shoots fire at her?"

"Fire?! Here I come!" Rae yelled. She grabbed the handle again as fast as a honey badger grabs a cobra neck, and twisted it just as quickly. Rae mumbled something ominous-sounding and then stepped back.

Nothing happened, but they weren't discouraged.

Then, as they were used to by now, a great burst of thunder roared beneath their feet, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, until a gloomy and threatening sort of cave entrance popped up from the sink in front of them. It was all very normal. Briana yawned. Pidge read a fic on her iPod. Rae and Retta danced around and sang Les Mis songs at the top of their lungs. Briana joined them out of boredom. Pidge pretended to not know them at all.

"Oh, is it over already?" Rae said curiously, looking at the cave entrance that she had just noticed the existence of. "I wish there had been fire booby-traps! I was cheated, dammit!"

"I guess so," Pidge said. "Let's go!"

The group, in a single line, filed through the cave entrance and disappeared into the petrifying depths. It was all very serious until Retta started singing show tunes.

&R&


End file.
